


You don't always have to be strong

by Louis_girl_forever1



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, M/M, No Slash, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-06-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 15:26:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 9,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1174695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Louis_girl_forever1/pseuds/Louis_girl_forever1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Niall is the happy, carefree boy in the band. What happens when all the hate finally gets to him? Will the boys be able to help him in time, or will Niall break?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What if she meant it?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic so sorry if its bad.

Niall's p.o.v:  
I am exhausted! We've been on tour for almost three months without a break, we've had shows nearly every night, we've traveled all over the place, and we've been recording all day.

I hardly have a voice left from singing all day, my fingers hurt from strumming my guitar, and I've got jet lag like you wouldn't believe. So all in all, I'm in a pretty awful mood.  
As soon as we get back to the bus, I grab my phone and pull up twitter, hoping that chatting with some fans will make me feel better. The first message I see says,

'Why are you so stupid Niall? Wait don't answer that, it would take too long'

I sighed. The world must just be against me today. I scrolled down a little farther. 

'Niall I hate you'  
'Niall you don't deserve to be in one direction'  
'Niall your ugly'

They just kept going. What's going on? There's never this much hate. Then I saw one more, one that really hit me hard.

'You have an awful voice Niall. When you dig, I want to shoot myself. No wander management doesn't want you singing on your next tour. I wouldn't either' 

I swallowed hard, feeling tears welling in my eyes. What if she meant it? What if she was going to shoot herself because of me?

Harry's p.o.v:  
"Niall you in here?" I called as I stepped onto our tour bus. He had booked out of the studio as soon as we had finished recording. The other boys rulers still there chatting, but I came back to check on Niall.  
He's been kind of down lately, not like himself. I'm probably just being paranoid. I knew he was just tired and missed home like the rest of us. But I couldn't help feeling like something was wrong.  
I stepped into the area where our bunks were and saw Niall sitting on his.  
"There you are mate. You ok-" I stopped abruptly when I saw that he was shaking.  
"Niall?" I asked putting one hand on his back.  
He looked up at me, tears streaming down his face.  
"What if he meant it?"


	2. What do we do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall has become insecure. Can Harry convince him that he's perfect just the way he is?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment please!!! Ill love you forever.

Harry's p.o.v:  
What if she meant it? What is he talking about? Then I saw his phone in his hand. I glanced down at the screen. Somebody had tweeted Niall about how he made her want to shoot herself.   
"Oh Ni, she didn't mean it. This is exactly what she wants. She wants to hurt you, she wants to break you. She-" I broke off, seeing Niall sobbing.   
"Come here Nialler," I whispered, wrapping my arms around the shaking boy, whispering sweet nothing's to him.   
"You're okay. Everything's gonna be fine. Don't listen to those haters,"  
Finally he stopped crying. He took a deep breath and looked me in the eyes.   
"Even if she didn't mean it, I know they're all right about me Hazza," he said shakily.  
"Don't say that Niall. They're wrong. You're voice is beautiful and so are you. Here, relax for a minute and ill go get you some water," I told him.  
As I walked to the tiny bus kitchen I felt my phone vibrate. Pulling it out, I saw that Louis had texted me asking if Niall is alright.

Louis p.o.v.:   
Buzz. My phone vibrated loudly against the table. I quickly snatched it up as Liam and Zayn leaned forewords. Harry ha been gone far too long, we knew something was wrong. I opened the message from Harry, and red it out loud.  
'Niall got a bunch of hate on twitter. Some bitch said that Niall's voice made her want to kill herself and he feels bad. God, he thinks all these fucking haters are right'  
I Swallowed hard and looked at Liam.   
"What do we do?"


	3. The last thing we need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Now not only is Niall depressed and sobbing, but Zayn's upset too. What are Liam and Louis gonna do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm awful at chapter titles an summaries. Comment on it?

Louis's p.o.v:  
"We have to get back to the bus. Like now. Harry's not always the best with this sort of thing," Zayn said nervously.

We all looked at eachother blankly for a few seconds, before jumping up and running out of the dressing room. 

This probably looks like something out of a cartoon. I tried to ignore how ridiculous we probably looked as we sprinted out of the studio towards the tour bus. Liam ripped open the door and we trudged inside, panting.

Once we had caught our breath, we walked towards the back of the bus where the bunks are. 

The sight that awaited us when we opened the door was heartbreaking. Niall was sobbing uncontrollably in Harry's arms. 

"Holy shit!" Zayn said, his voice cracking, before running out of the room... He wasn't very good at dealing with crying. 

"Help me," Harry mouthed. 

I looked at Liam... He usually knew what to do in these kinds of situations. He was glancing back and forth between Harry, and the door. He took a deep breath. 

"I'm going to go check on Zayn. Do you think you can handle... This?" He asked, gesturing to the bawling Niall. 

"Yeah I got it," I said. 

Liam's p.o.v:   
I steppd out in the hall to find Zayn exactly how I knew I would. He was sitting in the hallway, leaning against the wall, with his knees pulled up to his chest, rocking back and forth.

I sat down next to him and wiped the tears off of his cheeks. 

"Z... What's wrong?" I asked gently. 

"He was c-crying and I just h-h-hate seeing him like that. T-there should be a rule-" I cut him off.

"No one is allowed to make Niall cry, I know. Z, he's gonna be okay. The last thing we need is a sobbing Zayn to deal with too right?" I asked.

"Yeah I guess. I just- don't make me go in there. I can't deal with it," he said. 

"Louis' got it under control," I said, praying to God there was truth to my words.


	4. Now we wait

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall's broken and Harry doesn't know what to do. What happens when Liam breaks down as well? What can they do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry my chapters are so short. If you give me helpful (keyword) feedback, and comment your instagram name ill follow you.

Louis' p.o.v:  
I nodded to Harry, and he immediately let go of Niall. Almost instantly Niall wailed and reached out towards the source of comfort. 

"Nialler come here. I got you," I said, stepping up beside Harry's bunk, where he was sitting. 

Niall turned looked up at me as sobs racked his tiny body. Automatically, my arms locked around his shaking frame. He pressed his face into my chest, and I felt my shirt wettening with his tears. 

"Diana, let me be the one to, light a fire inside those eyes, you've been lonely, you don't even know me, but I can feel you crying. Diana, let me be the one to, lift your heart up and save your life, I don't think you even realize, baby you'd be saving mine," I sang quietly, hoping to soothe the younger boy.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
As soon as Louis' arms were secured around Niall, I shot out of that room like a cannonball. I felt tears welling in my eyes, which I quickly swiped away, angry that I was crying when Ni needed me most. I just hated to see him like that. Especially not being able to do anything to help him.

Liam and Zayn were sitting on thr couch in the TV room. Zayn's head rested on Liam's shoulder. I sat down on his other side and curled up next to him. 

"So now what?" I whispered, in case Zayn was asleep. 

"Now we wait," he said. Then I felt his head lay on top of mine, and I could tell by his deep, shuddering breaths that he was crying, but he was the strong one, and I knew he would be embarrassed if I said anything. So I took his advice, and I waited.


	5. If they only knew

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Niall chat about hate. He finally starts acting like himself again. Everything is okay. Or is it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am awful at summaries. I wouldn't even want to read this story.

Louis' p.o.v.:

Niall's sobs slowly turned into cries, which turned into silent tears, which turned into sniffles and deep breaths. I pulled away from him. 

"You okay Ni?" I asked gently. He nodded, taking another deep breath. "You really had us worried for a while there. Zayn and Harry are pretty shook up about it," 

"I'm sorry," he murmured, his lip shaking. Shit! Bad choice of words. 

"They're fine Ni. It's not your fault anyways, you didn't do anything wrong, you just got upset. It happens to everyone," I said soothingly. He just sighed an shook his head.

"Lou?" He asked nervously. 

"Yeah." 

"Can- can we umm, talk about it?" He bit hi lip and looked away from me, blushing. 

"Hey," I grabbed his chin and turned his head towards me. "You don't need to be embarrassed Ni. I'm your best friend of course we can talk," I reassured him. 

"Okay," he took a deep breath. "Lately, I've just felt really bad. Like the whole damn world is against me. I keep think down on myself and I- I can't help it. When I came back here, I got on twitter, because talking to the fans usually makes me feel better," he paused, picking up his phone and unlocking it. 

"The first messages that came up were hate. And more hate. They just kept going and going. Then I saw this one," he showed me his phone. 

I read the message, feeling myself get angrier an angrier. 

"Don't listen to these God damn haters Niall. If they don't have anything better to do than pick on someone as amazing as you they sure as fuck aren't worth your time," I said through gritted teeth. 

"I just- what if she killed herself because of me? What if she really shot herself and its my fault?" He asked, getting teary again.

"Hey Niall, calm down mate. Look, almost all bullies are also bullied by someone else, so although its highly likely she just said that to get to you, if she did kill herself, it was because of someone else. You can't bea yourself up about this Nialler," I said, trying to reason with him. 

He looked down at his hands. "I guess you're right," he said, giving me a weak smile. 

"C'mon, let's go out with the other guys," 

Niall's p.o.v.:

Talking with Louis did make me feel a little bit better. He was pretty good at that. Always knew the right thing to say. I still kind of believed the things those people were saying, but at least I know I've always got my mates to talk to. 

"Hey love, how ya feelin?" Liam asked.

"I'm okay," I responded, trying to smile a little bit. 

"Sorry I left Niall. I just hate seeing you sad," Harry said.

"Thanks for being there and coming to check on me though. This would have been loads worse without you," I said. 

"VAS HAPPENIN?" Said asked loudly. 

We all laughed at his ability to turn the mood of the room around. 

"Good to see you smilin mate," he said quieter. "Sorry I couldn't help you out in there," he said, looking down.

"Don't be. Hell, I didn't even want to deal with that," I laughed. 

"He's back everyone!" Harry yelled, jumping up and doing a fist pump. 

If they only knew the truth. If they only knew that I wasn't back. That it took everything I had to keep the mood up. I couldn't tell them. They shouldn't have to deal with this anymore.


	6. What if its too late?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall finally snaps. He runs out of an interview, then the boys reciece a strange text. Is Niall okay?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's really sad. What do you think will happen?

Niall's p.o.v.:   
I'd worried that after my little 'incident' that the guys would treat me differently, but everything pretty much just went back to normal... As far as they knew.

The only thing that had changed was Louis. He used to be a lot closer to harry than anyone, but he's been hanging out with me more often. He's been very protective of me lately. The other lads think he's being ridiculous, but even Louis doesn't know how bad it really is.

The hate was worse than ever. In the crowd, on twitter, on instagram, even in person. I pretended to blow it off like I used I, but I couldn't help but believe them.

Louis' p.o.v.:  
I waited until Niall got up and walked down the hall for his individual interview.

"Hey lads, come here for a second," I called. 

The other three walked into the room and sat down on the couch. 

"What's up mate?" Harry asked.

"It's about Niall. Something isn't right," I began.

"Not this again." Zayn scoffed. 

"Zayn!" Liam scolded, always the mature one. 

"I think Lou's right guys. I've been noticing it too. He's been acting strangely," Harry said.

"Whenever someone talks bad about him, he flinches, and shys away, then he won't hardly say anything for a few hours. He's been alone a lot more, he laughs a lot less, and he always looks sad and tired," I told them.

"Louis," Liam said gently. "I'm not denying that these things are true, but maybe you're being a tad overprotective. Nialls a big boy you know, he can take care if himself," he said. 

"Yeah Lou." Zayn said, looking up at the screen that showed the interview room. Niall was almost done. "We'll I better go," he said, getting up.

"Wait a second," Harry said looking up at the screen himself. The camera had zoomed in on Niall, who had his eyes squeezed shut. Tears ran down his cheeks. His hands, clenched in fists at his sides made no effort to wiped them away. The interviewer looked uncomfortable. 

We all stared at the screen, watching as Niall jumped up from the couch and bolted out the door. I jumped up, too go after him but Liam grabbed my arm. 

"We should go see what happened first," Liam suggested.

We walked out to where the interviewers were. Paul walked over to us. 

"What happened?" I exclaimed. 

"I'm not sure what set him off, but he wants to be alone. He said he just needs some time to think. Don't worry about Niallfor now. Finish your interviews and then we can all head back to the bus an see if he's alright, yeah?"

"Yeah," we mumbled, not really wanting to. 

Harry's p.o.v.:  
The interviews seemed to drag on forever. Each one of us was asked about Niall, and each of us responded that he was simply having a bad day. 

I had just finished my interview and we were waiting for Liam get done so we could leave. I pulled out my phone to check my twitter, just to pass the time. 

I noticed, however, that I had a text from Niall, so I opened it up. He'd sent it to me, Liam, Louis, Zayn, and Paul. What the heck?

'To my family, I just want you guys to know that I love you. I'm so sorry for what I'm about to put you through, but I can't take it anymore. This is it lads, goodbye.'

I was frozen with shock. My brained whiz zed, but I couldn't move. I don't know how long I sat there, but finally the message computed. 

"LOUIS!" I screamed at the top of my lungs, nearing hysterics by this time. Louis came running, and I shove my phone in his face, showing him the message. 

Unlike me, Louis had no trouble understanding the message and in seconds was back on his feet running out the door, dragging me with him. 

The time on the message read 3:58, almost 20 minutes ago. What if its too late?


	7. Calm down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis rush to the bus to save Niall. Did they make it in time? Or is it already too late?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Please don't hate me. It's not as bad as you think I promise.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
Louis' hand gripped mine tightly as he pulled me along. I was too numb to think. I vaguely registered that he was dragging me out of the interview building and towards the bus.

Once we got out of the building we started going faster. I was amazed that Louis even remembered how to get back to the bus because I sure didn't. 

All of a sudden, I realized the extreme urgency of the situation. My eyes widened as it finally sunk in what was really happening.

"We've gotta get there Lou," I panted.

I couldn't tell if he nodded, or replied to my comment, because he broke into a full on sprint, with me following close behind. I felt tears stinging my eyes as we reached the tour bus. Niall might be dead.

He wretched open the door of the tour bus, leaped up the three steps, and bounded bač into the bunks. Upon seeing that he wasn't there, we charged into the bathroom.

When my eyes took in the scene the bathroom held, I almost puked. My stomach heaved and I had to swallow thickly to keep it down. 

There, on the floor, was Niall, laying in a pool of deep, red, blood. He had slashes all over his arms, legs, and stomach. In his right hand, was a razor. 

"Harry. Go call an ambulance. Then call Paul and tell him what happened. If you think you can handle it, come back in here when your done, if not, go outside and wait for the ambulance so you can show the paramedics where we are," Louis commanded. His voice shocks me out of my trance, and I turned around, pulling out my phone.

I dialed 9-1-1. Something I had never done before. "Hello, what is your emergency," the voice on the other end said. 

"My name is Harry Styles. My friend tried to commit suicide by cutting them self with a taxer and he's unconscious. We're at the Trinity Studios, in the One Direction tour bus, parking lot D. Please hurry, it might already be too late," I told the person. 

I remember her telling me to calm down. I remember calling Paul, but I don't really know what happened after that. All I know is that I woke up crying in Liam's arms, and that my best friend was dead.


	8. Niall's Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall is dead... Or is he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry about the end of the last one just please read this chapter. You'll see...

Harry's p.o.v.:  
"I'm sorry!" I wailed through my tears. "I should have gone after h-him, or (gulp) checked my (gasp) phone, or-" I was crying too hard to talk, my body racking with sobs. 

"Hazza calm down, you're gonna hurt yourself," Liam said, struggling to remain quiet. 

"He's dead Liam. Niall is fuckin dead, and its a-all m-my fault!" I gasped out. 

"Harry listen to me. Hey, Hazza, love, look at me," he soothed.

"HARRY!" He raised his voice. I snapped my attention to him, still gulping and sputtering. 

"Niall is not dead," he said, slowly an clearly. I stopped crying. 

"You're lying. Louis told me he died, and then I fell asleep," I whispered.

"Harry, you passed out right after the ambulance came. I carried you to the car and you've been laying here ever since. You can go in and see Niall. I promise Haz, he isn't dead," Liam told me.

"I can s-see him?" I asked hopefully. 

"If you think you can walk," he said, concerned. 

"Yeah I'm fine," I said, but as I stood up, the room swam before me and my stomach felt queasy.

"Woah!" Liam said and grabbed my arm to steady me. Once my vision cleared, I shook Liam off and nodded, afraid I would puke it I opened my mouth, and let liam lead me shakily down the hall.

He stopped in front of a door and grabbed the handle. 

"Be prepared. He doesn't look so good," Liam warned. I nodded eagerly, just wanting to see him, to make sure he really wasn't dead.

As soon as I stepped in the room, I saw what liam meant. Niall was so pale he blended in with the white hospital sheets. There were dark bags under his eyes, and his arms, covered in bandages, looked so skinny I could snap them with my bare hands.

But, I could see his chest moving faintly up and down, which meant he was alive. 

Then I took in the other two boys. Zayn an louis were sitting in a chair on each side if Niall's bed, holding one of his hands, with their heads resting on the side of the bed. 

I stepped towards the bed tentatively, and Louis looked up at me tiredly. When he saw who it was he perked up a little bit.

Louis' p.o.v.:  
When I saw Harry standing there, I felt a lot better. 

"Hey," I said softly. "It's good to see you're eyes again. You've been out almost as long as he has," he said, gesturing toward the bed. 

He was silent for a minute, and he looked like he was going to start crying. He took a deep breath before speaking again. 

"Why'd he do it Lou?" It came out barely above a whisper. "What I it was because of us?" He asked, starting to cry again.

Immediately, I was by his site, rubbing his back soothingly.

"We're all wandering that Haz. We'll just have to wait and ask him when he wakes up. Just know that he's probably not going to want to talk about it." I told him.

"Everything's going to be different now isn't it?" He asked.

"Why do you say that?" I didn't understand what he was talking about.

"Niall's broken,"


	9. Maybe we're all broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys are having trouble coping

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awww this is so sad, why am I writing this?

Louis' p.o.v.:  
Zayn woke up a few minutes later, and was as happy to see Harry as I was. So now, Harry sat in the hospital bed with Niall, holding his hands and ruffling his hair. Zayn, Liam, and I took turns sitting in the chairs on either side of the bed while the third person called various people.

I called Paul, and a few other members of the one direction team. Zayn called his and Harry's parents. Liam called his and my parents. We couldn't get ahold of Niall's parents, but since Niall was over 18, a parent wasn't required, I just signed for him.

A nurse walked in the room and Harry scooted off the bed to sit down on my lap and be out if her way. She sighed when she saw us.

"Go home boys. He's going to be okay, I promise. You all look like you haven't slept in days. Go home, get some rest, and come back later," she said, looking genuinely concerned.

Harry looked up at her with tears in his eyes. "We can't go home miss. What of he wakes up? He doesn't like hospitals and he would freak. We need I be here for him," his voice quavered, and I tightened my arms around him.

She made a face. "We'll, suit yourselves. Let me know if you need anything," then he walked out.

Zayn's p.o.v.:  
I don't understand how Louis is handling this so well. He's just siting there humming to Harry and stroking Niall's hand, with this face that says 'everything is under control'.

I mean, no, I wasn't crying, but I was freaking out on the inside. I know it's best not to think about this, but I mean, he just tried to kill himself. I want to know fucking why.

Stop thinking about it. Just stop. Be strong for Niall. And for Harry. I sighed, glancing at Harry. He was a mess. 

I stood up. "I can't take this anymore, I need some fresh air," I said before walking out of the room.

Liam's p.o.v.:  
"Should we go after him?" I asked Louis, because he seemed to have things under control.

"He just needs some time alone," he said. I just nodded, sighing for what had to be the hundredth time in the past hour. It seemed like days since the interviews, but they were only 12 hours ago.

Time had been pretty funky ever since I picked up my phone and it was Louis saying Niall was in an ambulance and Harry was passed out in front of the bus. 

I stood up, breaking the silence. "I'm going to go get some food. You two want anything?" I asked.

"Just grab me and Haz a little something, yeah." He said.

"Not me," Harry sniffed. "I'd puke if I ate anything right now," Harry said.

"Hang in there Haz. Lou, I'll be back in a bit," I said.

As soon as I got away from the windows leading into Niall's room, I let the tears that had Ben so desperately wanting to fall, out. By the time I reached the lobby, I was a mess. Maybe we were all broken.


	10. It's all my fault

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall wakes up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you think.

Louis p.o.v.:  
I bounced Harry gently on my lap. The poor thing. Just as I was about to start talking in order to break the silence, my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and looked at the caller I.D. It was Niall's parents. 

"Hey Haz? It's Ni's parents, I should probably take it, yeah," I said, not wanting to leave Harry. 

He nodded and stood up. I gave him a pat on the shoulder before answering.

"Hello?" I said into the phone as I walked out of the room. 

"Hi. Lou? I got a message and..." Niall's mom trailed off. I swallowed hard, dreading telling her this.

"Yeah. How do I say this?" I stalled.

"Zayn said in the message that Niall was in the hospital," she prompted.

"He is. He uh... Well he..." I suddenly felt a lump in my throat. "Oh good god I'm just gonna say it. He tried to commit suicide," I finished, breathing deeply and squeezing my eyes shut tight to keep from crying. 

"Oh my god. Niall? God if Zayn hadn't called first I would think this is a joke. It's not though is it? But Niall's such a happy person though," I could tell she was on the verge of tears too. 

"So did we. So did we." I paused. "He ran out of an interview and when we went back to the bus he was holding a razer, and had slits on his wrists. Harry passed out..." I wasn't really sure what too say.

"My baby! I can't- I can't even be there with him. You know I can't fly all the way over there. Oh my poor Niall!" She exclaimed, crying now. This might take awhile.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
I sat back down in the chair, feeling bad for Lou. I mean who wants to tell someone that their kid tried to commit suicide? Must be awful. 

I tried to think of what to say to Lou when he got back in. I knew he would probably be a mess after listening to Niall's mom cry over the phone for a while. Then I heard something.

I looked around. The noise again. It was sort of like a gasp. Then I looked over at Niall's bed. He was writhing around and grabbing at his neck, making funny noises. 

Then it hit me, he can't breathe. Oh my god. What do I do. I looked around frantically. My eyes landed on the red button. I quickly jumped up and pressed if, ignoring the dizzy feeling in my head. I grabbed Niall's hands to calm him down.

Not more than thirty seconds later nurses came rushing into the room, pushing me out and slamming the door. I found Lou sitting on the floor with his head in his hands. I dropped down next to him, sobbing.

"I'm sorry! I let him down again. This is all my fault!" I cried, sobs racking through my body so hard it hurt.


	11. Is harry broken too?

Louis' p.o.v.:  
One second, I was alone in the hallway crying into my hands. The next second Harry was sitting next to me crying so hard I thought he might be dying.

"Shit Harry. What the hell is going on?" I muttered, more to myself than to Harry. He was sobbing. His entire body shaking next to me. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him close to me. 

"Hey, hey. It's okay love. Everything's going to be okay," I murmured through my own tears. 

Then a nurse came out of Niall's room. "Mr. Tomlinson?" She asked.

"Yeah." I said look up at her, protectively pulling Harry closer to me.

"Can I talk to you in the lobby for a minute?" She asked.

"Of course. But I'm bringing him with me," I said gesturing to Harry. She just nodded.

I stood up, grabbing Harry's hands and pulling him onto his feet. Instantly, he leaned heavily into me. I wrapped my arm around his waste and together we followed the nurse to the lobby.

"Niall woke up Mr. Tomlinson," her words hit me like a ton of bricks.

"Shit," I said. She looked very confused. I ignored her.

"Shit. He woke up while you were in there alone. God Haz I'm sorry, I shouldn't have left," I said, huging him. He still seemed dumbstruck.

I pulled back and looked at the nurse. "Hes okay right?" I asked, realizing the magnitude of the situation.

"He had some form of a panic attack when he woke up. Probably because he wasn't expecting to be alive, I'm afraid to say. He hasn't said a word yet, although he seems to be healthy enough," she paused.

"He can't talk, or he hasn't yet?" I asked.

"We don't know. We do know that he lost a significant amount of blood and has a severe concussion. He is also majorly depressed and will have to have therapy. This one might too because of the trauma," she gestures to Harry.

"Can we see him?" I took a deep breath.

She nodded, before turning on her heel and heading towards the elevator.

"Haz, it's okay, Niall's fine," I assured him, taking his hand and pulling him down the hallway towards Niall's room.

As we stepped inside, the room was empty. Harry whimpered beside me the moment the door opened. I handed him my phone.

"Call Liam and Zayn okay?" I said, ushering him out.

I walked over to Niall's bed, sitting down at the edge. He turned to look at me.

"Hey Nialler. You really had us worried there for a while," I said.

His sad eyes filled with tears. I tentatively reached out towards his face, afraid he wouldn't want to be touched. He didn't flinch, however, so I ruffled his hair.

He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something. He took a deep breath before struggling to get out, "thank you."

Liam's p.o.v.:  
"Hello." I said into my phone.

"Hi Li." It was Harry.

"Hey Haz everything okay?" I asked.

"Niall woke up,"


	12. we're all broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All the boys talk to Niall for the jest time since the accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think?

Liam's p.o.v.:  
I gasped and almost dropped the phone. 

"Louis?" I asked, my voice shaking.

"It's H-Harry," he stuttered.

"Where's Lou?" I asked, trying to sous calm. Although Harry was technically the "leader" of the band, he was taking this really hard so I needed to be strong for him.

"With Niall," Harry answered, standing like a small child. 

"Okay, I'm just getting our food and ill be right there yeah?" I said.

"Hurry," Harry whimpered, and then the line went dead. 

I set my phone on the table and took a shaky breath. Harry was usually the strong one. I hadn't heard harry sound this broken since, well, I hadn't ever hear harry this broken. It hurt me. And scared me. 

Zayn's p.o.v.:  
"Hello," I said into my phone, trying to sound like I hadn't been crying.

"Hi zayn," Louis had called me, but this wasn't louis. 

"Harry?" I asked.

"Yeah *sniff*" he sounde even worse than I did.

"You okay mate" I asked, trying to sound comforting. (Which wasn't my specialty)

"No... N-niall woke up a-and-" I cut him off.

"WHAT?" I exploded, standing up and walking back towards the elevator from the lobby is been sitting in.

"I was alone with him and he couldn't breathe and then they pushed me out and he doesn't talk and I don't want him to die because of me and-" he started sobbing. 

I broke into a jog. "Hey ill be right there bud okay? Just calm down Haz it's gonna be alright," I said, knowing it wouldn't help.

I hung up the phone as I stepped out of the elevator on Niall's floor, to see harry sobbing on the floor. I sat down next to him and pulled his shaking form to me. 

"Hey, Niall's fine Haz. Thanks to you. If you wouldn't have saw that text, and insisted we check on him, he might," my voice caught on my throat. I took a deep breath before continuing. "He might be even worse off," I finished lamely.

He sniffed and took a shuddering breath, finally relaxing into my arms. 

"That's it. Everything's going to be okay," I soothed, rubbing circles in his back.

He pulled away and laid his head on my shoulder, finally calm enough to speak.

"I already called liam, and h-he said hes coming and Lou is I-in there with Niall. 

"I'm going to go in and see niall, do you want to come with me?" I asked.

He nodded solemnly. "I'm s-scared though. And I don't know what to say to him," Harry whispered, looking at his hands. I'd never seen harry look so helpless before.

"Don't be scared haz, he needs you. Just tell him that you're here for him and that you're glad he's okay," I suggested, standing up. He stood up and nodded.

I grabbed his hand and together we opened the door and stepped into Niall's room.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
He was awake. I could see his eyes.

"Niall!" I cried, racing to the edge of his bed. I stood beside Lou, who was siting in the chair. Lou slid his arm around my waist.

"Hi Harry," Niall croaked.

I felt my eyes widen. "I thought you didn't talk," I whispered.

Niall looked at me sadly for a minute, then he broke eye contact with me and looked down.

"I'm sorry," he said so quietly I barely heard him. Then he started crying. Silent, racking, sobs that shook his frail body, making him seem fragile.

Louis was quick to grab Niall's hand and wipe the tears off of his cheeks. "Your okay Ni, he's not mad at you," 

Mad at Niall? Why the hell would I be mad at Niall? This is my fault. He should be mad at me. I opened my mouth to tell niall this, but Louis looked at me sharply.

"Don't," he said quietly. He didnt need to explain. Niall didnt want to talk about it. 

Once Lou had calmed niall down, zayn walked around to the other side of Niall's bed. 

"Hey Nialler," he said, grabbing Niall's other hand.

"Hey," Niall whispered tiredly. He opened his mouth again, probably too apologize, but zayn stopped him.

"If you're going to apologize I don't want to hear it. I'm just so gl-glad your okay. Nothin else matters," he muttered, somewhat awkwardly. Zayn had never been one to talk about feelings an mushy stuff. He might have even been blushing. 

After a few minutes, Liam arrived and had roughly the same brief conversation with Niall, who was too tired from all the talking and conked out shortly after. 

For a while we all stood around his bed and watched him, we didn't know what else to do.

Louis p.o.v.:  
I don't know how long it was before we settled into our 'spots'. We each took turns at each place. One person beside Niall's bed, holding his hand. One person sleeping next to niall in the uncomfortable hospital bed, and two people in the uncomfortable hospital chairs across the room. 

I was currently laying with Niall, and trying to fall asleep, but I knew it wasn't going to happen. 

I realized how badly I wanted to be able to cry while someone held me. Mom. I wanted my mom. But she was all the way in Doncaster, and I was in New York. 

Maybe we're all broken.


	13. Louis' girlfriend, Amy, to the rescue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis finally breaks. Will harry be able to comfort him? Will amy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First time of Niall's p.o.v. In a while. I added a new character.

Niall's p.o.v.:  
The next week was rough. Harry would randomly start bawling and apologizing. Louis hardly talked, and I have a feeling that if he did he would cry too. Zayn kept "going and getting fresh air". Liam just sort of say around and talked to me about random shit.

Not that I was in any better shape than they were. I refused to eat. If I have to be alive, I at least need to be skinny. This caused a lot of arguments to happen outside of my room between the boys.

Liam and Zayn thought someone should either force feed me or put it on a drip. Louis and Harry wanted to "give me some time". They don't know I can hear them. I don't really talk much. It hurts me too bad.

Hell, being awake hurts me. I feel so weak and tired that even keeping my eyes open is exhausting. 

I really hate myself for doing this to my friends. God they look fucking dead, all of them. I haven't talked to my parents, but i know they're not going to come. They have to work and they hate flying, which they would have to in order to come here.

That's okay. I don't want them to see me like this anyhow.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
It's been 9 days since... The incident. We werent really sure what to call it. The doctor told us we werent allowed to talk about it until niall was ready, which apparently he wasn't. 

The only reason he was still in the hospital was because he wouldn't talk. Not to them anyways. He talked to us, although it looked like it exhausted him. 

They too seemed to think it was a suicide attempt, in which case he needed to stay, so it wouldn't happen again. I fell asleep, thinking about how bad things had gotten.

"Hey Hazza," 

A voice snapped me out of my sleep. I sat up and struggled to open my eyes. I blinked a few times, trying to remember where I was. Niall in his hospital bed came into focus.

I scooted my chair closer to his bed. "Yeah?" I asked.

He took a pained breath. "Thank you," he rasped.

I sighed. "Look Niall. I'm not exactly sure what you keep thanking me for, but I'm pretty sure I don't deserve it. Just get better for me okay? I know you love," I said, feeling like I say that every day.

"For staying," he said.

I looked around the room. No one else was in it. "Where is everyone else?" I asked, before realizing that he probably didnt want to answer.

"Louis' trying to call his mom for the hundredth time. Zayn's getting fresh air for the hundredth time and Liam just sort of walked out," Niall explained.

I was awe struck. I hadn't heard him talk that much at once since he'd been awake.

"Don't look so surprised, I'm not mute," he huffed, which made me smile.

Then he closed his eyes, snuggled into his blankets further, and murmured something that surprised me even more. "Love you Haz,"

"Love you too Nialler," I murmured back.

Louis' p.o.v.:  
I angrily pressed the end button on Harry's phone. I needed my mom now more than ever and she hadnt answered her damn phone all week. 

I needed to talk to somone. Someone who wasn't involved quite so heavily in all this shit. Liam, zayn, and Harry are like my brothers, but they're all just as depressed about this as I am. 

I walked back into the room and sat down next to Harry. 

"Niall said like a whole paragraph at once," he said happily.

That was all it took. Next thing I knew I was crying into Harry's shoulder, his arms around me. 

"Shh, shh, it's all right," he whispered.

Once I'd calmed down, he let go of me and I sat back in my chiair.

"What got into you man?" I asked. Lou hadnt cried once while we'd been here.

"My mom won't answer her phone and I really need someone to talk to," I muttered.

"Dude! Call your girlfriend!" He exclaimed.

My eyes got wide and I froze. I hadn't thought of that. Oh my ish. I hadn't talked to her in 9 days. She was probably freaking out.

Worldlessly, Harry handed me his phone, nudging me towards the door.

Numbly, I dialed her number. One ring. Two rings. Three rings.

"Hello?" Harry?" Amy said.

"Amy!" I cried.

"Lou? Oh thank god I've been worried sick. Where have you been?"

"Niall's in the hospital," I blurted.

"Oh my god. I'm getting my jacket Lou. I'm coming right there. Talk to me baby," she said.

"We think he tried to commit suicide and he won't eat and he hardly talks and its been nine days and I'm really scared Amy,"

"It's okay baby, ill be right there. Oh my gosh. Niall! I just. Ill be there in a minute okay?" She said hurriedly.

"Hurry," I whimpered.

"I will," she said an then the line went dead.

I almost cried with happiness.


	14. He's too far gone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis realizes what he's been too blind to see all along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment babes!

Amy's p.o.v.:  
I've been dating louis for over a year now and in all that time iv never seen him cry. I had a bad feeling that was about to change. He sounded so broken, I couldn't help but think as I sped towards the hospital.

I managed a half assed park job before running into the hospital. 

"I'm here for Niall Horan," I said to the secretary at the front desk. She scanned a paper on her clipboard before answering.

"Room 305, floor 3," 

"Thank you," I called over my shoulder, already in the elevator.

As soon as I stepped into the room I know things were bad. Niall was laying on a hospital bed, his skin the same color as the white sheets. What little i could see of him look weak and unhealthily skinny. Not to mention the scars on his bony wrists.

"Not a pretty sight is he?" Harry asked. Before I even said anything, I glanced over at Harry.

Louis was sitting in his lap, his face buried in Harry's shoulder, his body shaking with sobs.

"Aww Lou," I whispered.

"He's okay. He's just worried about Niall like the rest of us. He's been so strong Amy. Until today he didn't cry once. He'll I didn't stop crying for almost the first whole week," Harry almost laughed. He gently shook Louis. "Look who's here Lou?" He said quietly. 

Lou turned around to face me, his eyes lighting up instantly. He jumped off of Harry's lap and walked towards me, slowly, as if he wasn't sure what to do.

"Come ere babe," I said, just as he started crying. I wrapped my arms around him and held him, humming softly, until he calmed down. "Let's talk," I said.

Harry's p.o.v.:   
After Amy got Lou to stop crying, we all sat down in one of the hospital chairs and talked. We talked about everything. The "incident", Niall's depression, suicide, his parents, how we felt, Niall's skinny wrists. We even talked about the band.

We couldn't make any decisions without Liam and Zayn, and management, of course, but there was no one direction without Niall. We didn't know if he would ever get better, and if he didn't, that was the end of the band, as far as Lou and I were concerned.

Louis's p.o.v.:  
Yeah so maybe Amy was here now. So maybe I wasn't alone. So maybe I never was. But Niall is. Niall's alone all the time. 

I think that's the reason why I got upset today. I realized that theirs nothing we can do to help him. He's too far gone. He's broken, and we can't put him back together. 

Niall will get out of the hospital, to be sent off to some institution for suicidal kids, the band will break up, and well all go home.  
Yeah, we'll probably still talk to eachother, and go visit Niall, but nothing will ever be like it was.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall comes to a huge revelation in this chapter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That while getting better thing I promised. That's starting to happen

Harry's p.o.v.

Several hours later, Zayn and Liam came back. To be honest, I don't remember why they left in the first place. It's been a long day. Louis has been the "strong one" all this time, and today it had to be me. 

I don't know how Lou did it for so long it's exhausting. Trying to calm him down had literally tired me out. All I wanted to do was crawl into Niall's hospital bed and go to sleep.

"Hey Amy," Liam said once he came in.

"Hey Ames," Zayn said.

"Hey boys," Amy said. Awkward silence.

"Before anybody else does, I call laying with Niall tonight," I said, hoping I didn't sound rude.

"That's fine Harry, cause Lou, Liam, and Zayn are coming back to my place tonight, and you're coming back tomorrow," Amy said, taking charge.

"We're staying here," Zayn said stiffly.

"Boys, I know you're worried, but none of you have slept, taken a shower, or had a decent meal in a week. Harry will stay here tonight, so Niall won't be alone. Plus, you're not doing him any favors by moping around his room 24/7," she said.

"Okay," the boys all sighed in defeat, realizing she was right.

By 9:00, we were all pretty tired. I'd crawled into bed with Niall and was curled up next to him, my arm draped over his thin frame. Louis was asleep on Amy's shoulder, and Liam and Zayn were leaning on eachother like sleep wasn't far away.

"Okay, I'm taking Lou back to my apartment, you two can come whenever you like," Amy said. That was the last thing I heard before I drifted off to sleep.

Niall's p.o.v.  
When I woke up, the first thing I noticed was the hand in front of my face. What the- oh it's Harry's. I grabbed his wrist and set it behind me so I could sit up.

Siting up takes way too much effort. Finally, I have hauled myself into a sitting position, and look down at the sleeping Harry. He's pretty cute when he sleeps. 

Looking around the room, I see that the other boys are gone. That's weird, they're usually all here when I wake up.

Maybe they finally went home and slept. I'm glad they did. They've needed it for a long time. I feel bad. I know this is all my fault. I hear the door open.

I look up. It's a doctor. That's when I realized how much I wanted out of here.

"I see you've got a friend with you," the doctor says gently.

"His names Harry," I say quickly. The doctor jerks up from his paperwork in surprise. I hadn't talked to them yet.

"Yes, I've talked to him," the doctor says carefully, as if I'm a bomb waiting to blow up.

"When can I leave?" I ask.

"I'm not sure. How are you doing today?" He asks.

"I'm okay. In really tired though, but so are my friends. I need to go home so they'll sleep again," I say.

"That's very thoughtful of you," he says, scribbling notes.

"Can you lift up your arms for me?" He asks gently.

I sigh and lift up my arms, with much effort. Thankfully, the doctor grabs hold of them and I relax. He examines my scars for a moment.

"I'm glad you've decided to cooperate Mr. Horan," he said.

"Niall. It's Niall," I tell him quickly. 

"Niall, sorry. Ill be going now. A nurse will be in shortly to check on you," he says sweetly. Then he's gone.

I know what he wants. I know he wants me to talk about what happened. They all do. That's what they all want.

I think about it. What if Louis had tried to kill himself. Fuck, I'd be pissed. I would be mad at him for being so stupid. That's why they all look at me like I hurt them. 

I'd also be sad. Sad that I failed. That I didn't make them feel loved enough. Jesus. What the hell have I done to my friends.

Harry's phone buzzed on the bed next to me. I picked it up. It was a text from Louis.

'I talked to Liam and Zayn and they agree with us. There's no one direction without Nialler'

Holy shit. They want to break up because of me. No. It's not gonna happen like this. I'm gonna tell them all what happened. But I'm only going to tell it once.


	16. The truth comes out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall finally tells everyone what happened that night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and give kudos please and thank you!!!

Niall's p.o.v.:  
I thought a lot that morning. Sitting up in my bed, with one hand on Harry's back, watching as he slept restlessly.

I thought about the reason I had done it in the first place. Because I deserved to die. Because I was ugly and stupid and a bad singer.

Then I thought about everything I had. I had my boys. Harry and his bad jokes. Louis and his in inappropriate humor. Liam and his worrying about everything. Zayn and his silently being there for you.

I had Paul, who was like a second dad. I had Lou Teasdale, who was like a second mom. I had my parents and Greg, back in Ireland, probably worried as hell about me right now, just like the boys.

Not to mention the band. The fans, the fame, the money (yeah yeah I know you don't need that). Mostly the fans. I had soooo many fans that loved me.

Then there were all those people who hated me. Suddenly, I had an idea. I picked up Harry's phone with a shaking hand and opened twitter.

Clicking on Harry's feed and scrolling down, I saw lots of 'Harry I love you' 'will you marry me' 'please notice me' and then one caught my eye 'why do you even exist douchebag?'

I swallowed hard. See that's the kind of thing that would have made me cut. I only cut once before that day, and not very much. But it scared me to think about it.

I saw some other ones like the hate tweet. I realized how stupid I'd been. They all hate. I was just too stupid to handle it.

I felt Harry stir under my hand. He took a deep breath and coughed. Then he started shaking. He was making gasping sounds. 

"Shh Harry it's okay," I whispered.

"Louis I'm scared,"

"Harry it me, Niall," I said quietly.

"Niall?" 

He sat up quickly, turning around to look at me. His eyes got really wide before he threw his arms around me, pulling me close to him. I slowly draped my arms around his body. I don't think he's crying anymore.

He let go and sat back to look at me. For a moment he just stared at me like I wasn't real.

"Niall. Will you cuddle with me?" He asked with wide eyes. 

"Yeah Haz, sure."

It was almost ridiculous if you think about it. I laid down next to him, almost surprised when my feet fell almost a whole foot short of Harry's. He sounded so small, but he really wasn't.

Louis p.o.v.:  
"Liam, Louis, Zayn were supposed to go to the hospital now!" I yelled already on my way out to the car. Amy had to be at work hours ago, so she left our car out front.

Yeah so we've all taken a shower now, but none of us ate much for dinner and none of us had gotten anymore sleep than we would have at the hospital.

"Why?" Liam asked.

"Is something wrong?" Zayn asked.

"I don't know anything guys, Harry just said 'get your asses here ASAP' I have no idea whats going on.

When we walked into the room, Harry was sitting in the chair next to Niall's bed. There were two other chairs on the other side of the bed. One occupied by a nurse, and one by the doctor.

"What's going on?" I asked.

"I'm going to tell you what happened," Niall said, looking me straight in the eyes for the first time since he'd woken up.

Silently, the three of us sat down in the chairs at the edge of the room, ready for the moment we'd all been waiting for.

"It started that day back in February. We'd just gotten done with a show and you were all hanging out at the venue. I went back to the bus, got on twitter and realized that," he stopped abruptly.

Harry's p.o.v.:  
I knew exactly which day Niall was talking about. Suddenly, I felt like I could t breathe.

"I saw someone on twitter saying they were going to shoot themself because they hated me so much and suddenly I felt like I was an awful person. You guys convinced me that she was kidding, but from that day on I noticed every flaw anyone pointed out about me," he stopped again, taking a deep breath. Nobody moved.

"One day on twitter, somebody told me I should cut myself so I did-"

"Niall," Louis cried out, tears streaming down his face.

"It didn't hurt. It made me feel in control of my body. It hurt later though, and it scared me so I didn't do it again.then that day in the interview she was showing me her twitter mentions and one said go kill yourself," he stopped and breathed for a few seconds. 

I was crying now. Tears blurring my vision, I waited for the worst part of this story.

"She asked me what I do to keep from believing hate and I couldn't answer her. The room suddenly felt really hit, suffocating, I couldn't breathe. So I ran, all the way back to the bus. I grabbed my razor and cut. And cut and cut," Niall was crying now too. Silent tears streaming down his face, but he made no move to wipe them off. I glanced across the room. 

Liam and Zayn were both crying too. Theirs eyes fixed on Niall. Louis looked near a breakdown, shoulders hunched, shaking.

"Once I started I couldn't stop. It felt too good. I needed it. I felt myself slipping, losing conscienceness. So I sent you that text. And then I kept going. My vision went red, then everything was black. I hoped I was dead," he stopped abruptly, sobbing.

He was crying so hard he couldn't even hold himself up. I stood up and reached out towards his shaking form. He collapsed against me, sobs still racking through his body like they were ripping him apart.

So that's what happened. That's the story. That's what we all wanted. Suddenly, I wished he'd never told us. I buried my face in Niall's hair and cried silent tears of my own.


End file.
